One of the things I seem to be really good at is Filking, that is changing the lyrics in a song ala Weird Al. Here is a collection of completed and some in progress filks. If you have need of this skill, let’s chat.

Do You Want to Build a Shieldwall?

To the tune of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” from Frozen

Juan,
Do you want to build a shieldwall?
Come on, let’s go and slay!
You always seem to use a spear
Swords give them fear
Let’s make them run away
We used to kill whole armies
And now we don’t
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you want to build a shieldwall?
It kinda has to be a shieldwall
(Go away, Otto)
Okay, bye

Do you want to build a shieldwall?
Show them how we win at brawls?
I think we need to run them through
Or maybe start a coup
Or steal their alcohols!
It gets a little lonely
Filling empty tombs
Using archers to pacify
(Dead-dead dead-dead dead-dead dead-dead)

Juan, please I know you want to
People are asking where you’ve been
They say, “have courage” and I’m trying to
I have a shield for you
Just let me in
We only have each other
It’s just you and me
What are we gonna do?
Do you want to build a shieldwall?

Is There Anything Here That Sir Bart Hasn’t Done?

To the tune of “The Irish Washerwoman”

Oh a Norman came into our shire one day
He seemed rather clean so we said he could stay
He’s a master of music a bard quite renown
At the Green dragon inn his performance was shown

He can forge you a knife or make you a spear
And if you’re really quite lucky he might give you beer.
At least he seemed a respectable lout
And after long years you could hear us all shout

Is there anything here that Bart hasn’t done?
Are there any award this Norman ain’t won?
He’s a Knight and a Laurel and a Pelican for fun
Is there anything here that Sir Bart hasn’t done?

Is there anything here that Bart hasn’t done?
Are there any award this Norman ain’t won?
He’s a Knight and a Laurel a Pelican for fun
Is there anything here that Sir Bart hasn’t done?

To die by his sword is really a thrill
And we can’t count how many his cross bow has killed
A terrible specter all dressed in black
You’ll only be safe when Sir Bart hits the sack

He makes the most beautiful gifts you have seen
And the Royals agree that his manners are keen
But we found his one weakness and it’s not by the sword
But a quiet type wench who is flat as a board.

Is there anything here that Bart hasn’t done?
Are there any award this Norman ain’t won?
He’s a Knight and a Laurel a Pelican for fun
Is there anything here that Sir Bart hasn’t done?

A&S Paradise

To the tune of “Gangsters Paradise”

As I walk through the event where my stuffs on display
I take a look at my art and realized it’s quite cliche
But that’s just perfect for a scadian like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
When the event gets started I go set up
Laying out the clothing projects and ceramic cup….fool
And I’ve been carving and painting so long that
Even their majesties think that I should move on
I’m a student of the arts I’m into green belts
Got a Laurel at my back and no sword fighting welts
And if I finally finish one project on time
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1599

We been spending most our lives
Working in an A&S Paradise
I think that embroideries nice
Working in an A&S Paradise
It’s hard work and sacrifice
Working in an A&S Paradise
I think my brain is in a vice
Working in an A&S Paradise

I entered in a local competition last week
I didn’t win this time and I broke my winning streak
I really don’t care I don’t need acclaim
I just want to get some feedback on my spinning frame
But I won’t turn down a prize if I went and I earned it
But to get those Laurel leaves you know I can push it
Kingdom A&S is where the actions at
But the peers they seem to think I am just another hack…fool
If you want to talk cloth I will go on for years
Tell the history till the stone age make you rip off your ears
But I’m not really crazy so please don’t run away
Just working on my passion night and day
There’s a dress, a scroll, a handmade lute
A hood for Falconry
History just came alive
I’m so happy that I could squee

We been spending most our lives
Working in an A&S Paradise
We all have our hand made dice
Working in an A&S Paradise
The cooks won’t use allspice
Working in an A&S Paradise
We sometimes fight but it lasts a trice
Working in an A&S Paradise

Spinning and some weaving, dying and the sewing
Made myself some court garb, then some knives for throwing
Think your work is pretty? Think you’re good as Bart?
Well, I know I’m a million times more historic than thou art
I’m the skillful artist all apprentices want to be like
Using needles day and night showing skills at the Laurels prize
So don’t be vain and don’t be whiny
Or else, my lords and ladies might just have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Working in an A&S Paradise
We buy cloth at discount price
Working in an A&S Paradise
There’s no plague we don’t have lice
Working in an A&S Paradise
But you’d probably think it bites
Working in an A&S Paradise

Yech

All About That Lace

To the tune of “All About That Bass”

Because you know It’s all about that lace ’bout that lace, no nylon.
It’s all about that lace ’bout that lace, no nylon.
It’s all about that lace ’bout that lace, no nylon.
It’s all about that lace ’bout that lace.

Yeah it’s pretty clear, I’m with the lace crew,
and I can bobbin weave, like I’m supposed to do.
I got that Chantilly, that all the boys chase.
All the right silk in all the right places

I see them modern clothes working that machine slop
We know it’s not by hand, come on and make it stop
If you got knit or knotted then raise them up
Cause every inch you stitch is perfect from the bottom to the top

Yeah my momma told me don’t worry about the size
She says they’ve got other size needles to make it right
(Those needles, needles, uh, those needles needles)
You know I won’t do some cutwork or gupiere style lace tonight
So if that’s what you’re needing the timing just isn’t right.

Hey, I’m bringing bobbins back
Go ahead and tell them stamping bitches that
No, I’m just playin I’m also down with that
But I’m here to tell you
Every inch you stitch is perfect from the bottom to the top.

You Can’t Throw a Flatsnap

To the tune of “I Can Make Your Hands Clap”

Pick it up

Go and get your armor you’ve
Been fightin’ in this city I know
Too many swings with poor technique has got you losing control
You’ll never win the tournaments so you can forget the gold
You want a good fight with a real knight but you will have to hold

‘Cause you don’t even know
You can’t throw a flat snap
Said you can’t throw a flat snap

Go and get your armor you’ve
Been fightin’ in this city I know
Too many swings with poor technique has got you losing control
You’ll never win the tournaments so you can forget the gold
I want to see you throw a real shot
When you’re moving in close

‘Cause you don’t even know
You can’t throw a flat snap
Said you can’t throw a flat snap

Every day when the light comes out
you the only living soul around
Practicing swings till the sun goes down
‘Cause you’re in need of miracles right now
You will be dying when the dukes come out
Their sword on your helm will be the only sound
Fall to your knees and then I thank the crown
That you can’t throw a flat snap

That you can’t throw a flat snap
(Pick it up)
That you can’t throw a flat snap

Your shots are bad your form the worst
but blows you never deny
You’ll need a doctor, or a proctor
If you’re to win this fight
You try to downplay on your sword play
Your shot placement’s a crime
When this is over, get a bath
And then a big jug of wine

But you don’t even know
you can’t throw a flat snap
Said you can’t throw a flat snap

Every day when the light comes out
you the only living soul around
Practicing swings till the sun goes down
‘Cause you’re in need of miracles right now

Viking Raid

To the tune of “Jingle Bells”

Off to fight we go
Sword and shield held high
Or the fields we go
‘Till the day we die

Songs on Long Ships ring
Making spirits bright
Oh what fun to pillage and burn a little town tonight

Oh! Viking raid, Viking raid
Here we go again.
Oh what fun it is to fight
Next to Bjorn and Sven

Viking raid, Viking raid
Here we go again
Oh what fun it is to fight
Next to Bjorn and Sven.

You’re the Rhino man

To the tune of “Piano Man”

… It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday
The event is set to begin
There’s an old Knight sittin’ next to me
Armoring up for the fights to begin
He says, “Squire are you here for the revelry?
Or are you just here to trade blows?
It’s sad and it’s sweet that you came to compete
To test your sword skill with old pros
… La, la-la, di-dee-da
La-la, di-dee-da, da-dum
Learn how to die you’re the Rhino man
learn how to lose a fight
You throw a flat snap so splendidly
just learn your calibration alright

I’m Afraid of Genghis Khan

To the tune of “Stacy’s Mom”

[Intro]
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on

[Verse 1]
Genghis did you challenge me to a duel? (to a duel)
Given your rep don’t you think that’s cruel (kinda cruel)
You’ve got your sword there held in a battle grip (battle grip)
I’m going to run and hope I make it to my ship (to my ship)
You know, I’m not the little boy that I used to be
But I’m not dumb so now I’m going to flee!

[Chorus]
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
I’d fight him off but I am not that strong
Genghis, can’t you see? I wish you’d give some mercy
I know I have to run, so I’m not killed by Ghengis Khan

[Refrain]
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on

[Verse 2]
Genghis, do you remember when you became Khan? (became Khan)
Conquered half the world using brains and brawn (brains and brawn)
I could see his army coming and I was scared (I was scared)
His reputation said that no one would be spared (no one spared)
And I know that you think it’s just a fantasy
But when Genghis is coming your whole village should just flee

[Guitar Solo]

[Chorus]
Genghis Khan’s got killin going on
I’d fight him off but I am not that strong
Genghis, can’t you see? I wish you’d give some mercy
I know I have to run, so I’m not killed by

[Outro]
Genghis Khan, ah-oh-ah-oh (I’m afraid of—)
Genghis Khan, ah-oh-ah-oh (Wait a minute)
Genghis, can’t you see? I wish you’d give some mercy
I know I have to run, so I’m not killed by Ghengis Khan

SCA Magician

To the tune of “Modern Major General”

I am the very model of an SCA ma-gic-i-an.

My skills make objects vanish, teleport and trans-po-si-ti-an

I know the names of illusions and magicians all historical

From egg bag and a zig zag to a puppet who’s an oracle

I’m very well acquainted with tricks that are mathematical,

I understand good timing to make magic shows climatical

About the three-card monte I’m teeming with a lot o’ news

And come up with a new trick every time I chance to strike a muse

I pull your card from shuffled decks that overflow with randomness

And calculate sums faster than the beads upon an abacus

In short the objects vanish, teleport and trans-po-si-ti-an

I am the very model of an SCA ma-gic-i-an.

I fetch the gold from treasuries or even steal the castle clocks

Or hatch a chicken from an egg or from a big bag full of rocks

Make disappear a shrubbery or perhaps then a cytisus

And keep the magic secrets from the people we cannot discuss

I know the con games taught to crooks sometimes in the dark back alley’s

Like fast and loose that’s played upon the barrels found in ship gallies

Now animals will do my bid as long as they’re an herbivore

And entertain the royalty as good as any troubadour

Then I can make it rain or even bring about a thunder storm

and in the bardic circle my magic is hard to outperform

In short the objects vanish, teleport and trans-po-si-ti-an

I am the very model of an SCA ma-gic-i-an.

Pretending that my magics real could be counted a mortal sin

Be honest with the watchmen keeps me from the fate of Anne Boleyn

I travel to events with jugglers and sometimes and acrobat

Performance time comes when we get permission from the autocrat

I know some of the tricks taught to those versed in arts of jugglery

But I’m more well versed in the petty skills found in skullduggery

My gift of gab has stolen royal coffers here quite cannily

I’ve swindled more gold than is found in the whole part of Saxony

I love to be a part of feasts or really any revelry

and hope their majesties don’t find me lurking in the treasury

In short the objects vanish, teleport and trans-po-si-ti-an

I am the very model of an SCA ma-gic-i-an.

To War Artemisia

To the tune of “Santianna” sea shanty

Oh! Artemisia saved day

To war Artemisia

Turned the tide of the war they say